Top 20...Things (Not) To Say While Being Searched At An Airport.

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20. "Hey, that tickles!"

19. "When you're done I'm gonna slap you silly."

18. "All of my problems are caused by invisible people. All I have to do is find them, and kill them."

17. "We're not the droids you're looking for."

16. "Cold, Colder, Cold... Warmer, Warm..."

15. "I did say 'no' to drugs, but they wouldn't listen."

14. "Ok, now my turn. Buckle up, baby."

13. "There's a prize for the first of you automatons to find it..."

12. "Hey! What are you, blindfolded?"

11. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

10. "Woah there, usually we'd have dinner first, no?"

9. "Why, yes, occasionally I am referred to as 'The Human Tripod'."

8. "This is both refreshing and inspiring - are you here next week?"

7. "The secret of your job is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

6. "Warm your hands first in future, c'mon!"


5. "Obviously you do not do pottery."



4. "Pull my finger."




3. "Could you also check the water and air pressure, please?"





2. "If you're gonna find anything, I'm probably gonna need a private booth."






1. "I've got some baggage in my pants that's been left unattended."




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Top 20...Advertising Slogans (For This Blog).

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Catchy blog needs catchy slogan!



20. There's always room for Gifthorse!

19. Not just nearly Gifthorse, really Gifthorse!

18. Let's face the music, and Gifthorse!

17. Make every Gifthorse count!

16. Bring out the Gifthorse!

15. This is the age of the Gifthorse!

14. Whatever you're into, get into Gifthorse!

13. You deserve a Gifthorse today!

12. There ain't no party like a Gifthorse Party!

11. P-P-P-Pick Up A Gifthorse!

10. Ding-Dong! Gifthorse calling!

9. It's a Gifthorse adventure!

8. Behold the power of Gifthorse!

7. Schhhhhh... You know Gifthorse!

6. Get serious. Get Gifthorse!


5. Only Gifthorse has the answer!



4. I'm cuckoo for Gifthorse!




3. You like Gifthorse. Gifthorse likes you!





2. It needn't be hell with Gifthorse!






1. My goodness, my Gifthorse!




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Top 20...TV Competition Questions (Part 4).

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MENSA candidates need not apply...

Go on, test yourselves, it's the final round...

5. Lady GaGa's breakthrough hit single told listeners to 'Just... ' what?:

a) Dance

b) Sit down and be quiet

c) Go away

4. Which animal defends itself with a coat of sharp spines or quills?:

a) Gnu

b) Great White Shark

c) Porcupine

3. What is the normal collective noun for a group of kittens?:

a) Swarm

b) Rubbish

c) Litter

2. Which year did Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers duet on the hit 'Islands In The Stream'?:

a) 1982

b) 1983

c) 1984

1. Which kind of animal did Samuel L. Jackson find on his plane?:

a) Snakes

b) Ham

c) Blue whales

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Top 20...TV Competition Questions (Part 3).

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These are all real questions, as featured on bad TV shows...

Go on, test yourselves...

10. Which beardie entrepreneur is the man behind the Virgin brand?:

a) Richard Branson

b) Monty Panesar

c) Tiger Woods

9. What is the surname of two Ukrainian boxing brothers?:

a) Neville

b) Kray

c) Klitschko

8. How do Pygmy goats differ from other breeds of goat?:

a) They eat croissants

b) They are more evil

c) They are smaller

7. According to the original back-story, where was Superman born?:

a) Radox

b) Krypton

c) Argos

6. Which pickled vegetable is used as the nickname for '30 St Mary Axe' in London?:

a) Trousers

b) Root beer

c) Gherkin

Tricky, huh?

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Top 20...Album Covers (No.16).

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Who/What?:

The irrepressibly colour co-ordinated Conway Twitty with his beautifully optimistic 1977 opus, "I've Already Loved You in my Mind." Featuring the hit single "I've Already Loved You in my Mind."

They say:

"...Born 'Harold Jenkins' in 1933, it was felt that his name was not marketable in the Country Music realm. In 1957, he spotted two places on a road map: 'Conway' (in Arkansas) and 'Twitty' (in Texas).

The legend was born..."

I say:

"Nobody has any idea how he came up with his stage name."

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Top 20...TV Competition Questions (Part 2).

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As featured on daytime TV...

Go on, test yourselves...

15. Cliff Richard's hit 'The Young Ones' featured on the soundtrack to which of his films?:

a) Patch Adams

b) The Young Ones

c) Halloween

14. Which American state is known as 'The Lone Star State'?:

a) Texas

b) Berlin

c) Africa

13. What does Delilah take from Samson by cutting his hair?:

a) His strength

b) His TV

c) His hair

12. What are the names of the two old men that sit in the box of the Muppet's Theatre and complain?:

a) Jean-Baptiste and Phillippe

b) Waldorf and Stephen Dorff

c) Statler and Waldorf

11. How was Phil Collins' "kind of love" in 1988?:

a) Unnecessary

b) Awkward

c) Groovy

How did you get on?

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Top 20...TV Competition Questions (Part 1).

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As featured on 'This Morning', 'Richard & Judy' etc., and ITV in general...

Go on, test yourselves...



20. 'Hall and Oates are associated with which type of music?':
a) Big-Eared Soul
b) Blue-Eyed Soul
c) Red-Haired Soul

19. 'How many movies are there in the Lord of the Rings trilogy?':
a) 20
b) 1
c) 3

18. 'Champagne is sparkling wine from which part of France?':
a) Champagne
b) Baby Cham
c) Chimpanzee

17. 'Who did Bill Clinton say he "did not have sexual relations with..." in 1998?':
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Nancy Reagan
c) Monica Lewinsky

16. 'What is the correct title of the 2007 movie?':
a) No Country for The Omen
b) Incontinence for Old Men
c) No Country for Old Men







How did you get on?


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Top 20...Place Names (Wales).

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Those fond of vowels...look away now...

(All of these are genuine places*)


20. Amlwch
19. Llanrwst
18. Blaenau Ffestiniog
17. Ynyshir
16. Usk
15. Lfmpwm-ym-mualt
14. Pwllheli
13. Penmaenmawr
12. Betws-y-Coed-yr-wyddfa
11. Llanfair Caereinion
10. Ystradgynlais
9. Casnewydd ar-wysg
8. Mold
7. Llwynypia
6. Aberblaenllechau

5. Nrywnrulln


4. Mchwr



3. Rhyl




2. Llanfairpwllgwyngychgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch





1. Y Waun






*Except 'Rhyl' - made that one up.
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Top 20...Music Artists As Food.

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Yum + Fun = Fum.


20. Buns N’ Roses

19. Pasty Cline

18. Flan Halen

17. Dim Sum 41

16. KFC & The Sunshine Band

15. Veal Diamond

14. Emerson, Lake & Parmesan

13. Egg Harcourt

12. Badly Prawn Boy

11. Belle & Seabasstian

10. Ham Parsons

9. Edam & The Ants

8. DJ Jazzy Chef & The Fresh Mince

7. Salmon Le Bon

6. Camembert Humperdinck


5. Skate Bush



4. Doner Summer




3. Sushi & The Banshees





2. Rigatoni Braxton






1. Tuna Turner






Please add some more below...

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Top 20...Album Covers (No.17).

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"Not brilliant" -  N.Cresswell, 2010.

Who/What?:

Irish singer-songwriter's definitive 'very best of...' or something that sounds quite similar.

They Say:

"O'Sullivan's self-created eye-catching visual image comprised a pudding basin haircut, cloth cap and short trousers".

I Say:

"Innovative. Clever. Well-designed. Good. Mature. Exciting. Funny.
These are all words that have never been used in association with this record sleeve. At best, it is completely awful."

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Top 20...Flags.

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I've always been fascinated by flag design.

Not sure why.

I'm not saying these are 'the best', that's not for me to decide.

Although I am deciding, because it's my blog.

They're just some that I like, that's all.

Circles, stars, reds, blues and yellows seem to appeal for some reason.


Being colour blind makes it all terribly interesting...


20. BELIZE

19. CANADA

18. URUGUAY

17. PHILIPPINES

16. VIETNAM

15. CAPE VERDE

14. SWEDEN

13. USA

12. TOGO

11. CUBA

10. DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO

9. NORWAY

8. CHILE

7. COLUMBIA

6. ANTIGUA & BARBUDA

5. NEPAL

4. JAPAN

3. TIBET

2. BRAZIL

1. SWITZERLAND

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Top 20...Writing Tips.

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Take some tips from someone who, erm, knows what they're doing...



20. Avoid alliteration. Always.

19. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

18. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

16. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

15. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

14. Contractions aren't necessary.

13. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

12. Who needs rhetorical questions?

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

10. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

9. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

8. Profanity sucks.

7. Be more or less specific.

6. Understatement is always best.


5. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.



4. One-word sentences? Eliminate.




3. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.





2. The passive voice is to be avoided.







1. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.



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Top 20...Radiohead Songs.

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Best band on the planet.


Discuss.


20. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
19. Street Spirit (Fade Out)
18. How to Disappear Completely
17. No Surprises
16. Lucky
15. 15 Step
14. Knives Out
13. Let Down
12. Scatterbrain
11. Airbag
10. Nude
9. Idioteque
8. Bodysnatchers
7. Pyramid Song
6. Fake Plastic Trees


5. All I Need



4. Paranoid Android




3. There There





2. Reckoner






1. Karma Police





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Top 20...Golfer Names.

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Here are some of my favourite club-swinging friends...

(These are actual names of actual golfers*)



20. Johnny Golden

19. Colt Knost

18. Fred Funk

17. Lawson Little

16. Denny Shute

15. Chip Beck

14. Curtis Strange

13. Miller Barber

12. Dow Finsterwald

11. Aubrey Boomer

10. Boyd Schidtt

9. Chuck Waggon

8. Birdie Kim

7. Orville Moody

6. Art Wall


5. Mungo Park



4. Tommy Armour




3. Fuzzy Zoeller





2. Duffy Waldorf III






1. WIFFY COX





*These are not actual names of golfers.

Or are they?...

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Top 20...Album Covers (No.18).

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Who/What?:

Peruvian musical goliath Rulli Rendo with his seminal 1980 fun-dance album "The touch is the goal".

They say:

"He has produced over 50 LPs - compilations of hits and memories - available on vinyl, cassette and minidisc".

I say:

"Do not approach Rendo under any circumstances".



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Top 20...Shop Names.

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Mwah-ha-hah.


20. Just Falafs (Veggie Restaurant)

19. Shammy Davis Junior (Window Cleaners)

18. Breakfast at Timothy's (Restaurant)

17. Tyrannosaurus Pets (Pet Shop)

16. The Merchant of Tennis (Sports Shop)

15. Grillers In The Mist (Restaurant)

14. Vinyl Resting Place (Second Hand Record Shop)

13. Reef Encounter (Surfing and Diving Equipment)

12. Back to the Fuchsia (Florists)

11. Ghost Bus-Tours (Ghost Tours)

10. Aesop's Tables (Greek Restaurant)

9. Womb To Grow (Maternity Wear)

8. Dave's (Authentic Chinese Take-away)

7. Florist Gump (Florists)

6. C'est Cheese (Cheese Shop)


5. Bonnie Tilers (Tiling Company)



4. Napoleon Boiler Parts (Plumbers Merchants)




3. Touching Cloth (Tailor)





2. The Wiener Takes It All (Sausage Van)






1. Owlcatraz (Bird Sanctuary)




***100*****th*******Post******!********************************************************

Top 20...Place Names (USA).

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I have been to every single one of these places to check their validity.

Whoah...

Ready?




20. Disco (Wisconsin)

19. Hot Coffee (Mississippi)

18. Ben Hur (Virginia)

17. Mexican Hat (Utah)

16. Noodle (Texas)

15. Hell (Michigan)

14. Snow Shoe (Pennsylvania)

13. Zap (North Dakota)

12. Boring (Maryland)

11. Intercourse (Alabama)

10. Chicken (Alaska)

9. Odd (West Virginia)

8. Peanut (Arkansas)

7. Two Egg (Florida)

6. Experiment (Georgia)


5. Popcorn (Indiana)



4. Gas (Kansas)




3. Nowhere (Colorado)





2. Tightwad (Missouri)






1. TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES (New Mexico)



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Top 20...Album Covers (No.19).

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Who/What?:

'Vind I Seglen' (or 'Boost') by Swedish entertainer Kjell Kraghe.

They say:

"He has recorded several discs in which he sings happy songs, often with motifs from Bohuslän."

I say:

"He looks like an extremely underhand individual, appearing out of the sun-kissed ocean like a grinning buffoon."


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Top 20...Album Covers (No.20).

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"What the...?"

Who/What?:
'Tarkus' by Emerson, Lake & Palmer (released in 1971).

They say:
"Tarkus is depicted as a half armadillo / half tank creature, born from an egg erupted from a volcano."

I say:
"Impressively awful. A real crowd pleaser."


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Top 20...Horse Names.

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Here are some of my favourite equine friends...

(These are actual names of actual horses*)



20. Nag Nag Nag

19. Tabasco Cat

18. Rambling Willie

17. Zorro Garlic

16. Blacksmith's Nemesis

15. Celine Dion

14. Sledging Legend

13. Lanky Dettori

12. Fancy Mover

11. Kodak Moment

10. Piano Hell

9. Beaky Mick

8. Harlem Grandpa

7. Jelly Belly Dancer

6. Tuxedo Nightmare


5. Cheer Up Manfred



4. Buckshot Odyssey




3. Splash of Swift Wind





2. Oat Couture






1. MASSIVE BEREAVEMENT





*These are not actual names of actual horses.

Or are they?...

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