Friday 25 February 2011

Nothing Rhymes with Nothing: Pavement.

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Music for your listening pleasure...






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Blackadder III.

Camera.

So, today I was walking along the street, and suddenly a man started pointing a camera at me. 
I stopped, and looked at him.
"Did I say you could take a picture?", I said.
"No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids", he replied.
I turned around, and there was his family, right behind me.
I apologised, and carried on with my journey.

The Moore, The Merrier.

Julie Anne Smith (Julianne Moore), b.1960

Thursday 24 February 2011

Nothing Rhymes with Nothing: Beck & The Flaming Lips.

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Music for your listening pleasure...





Your sorry eyes cut through bone
Make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby, you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy... nobody cares

Baby, you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one's standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby, you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause 




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'P' is for Python...

...and Pavement (Part 4).

Wednesday 23 February 2011

The Case Of The Missing Mudguards.

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My Dear old Ouseph,


I took a stroll this afternoon, down to the edge, just as you had suggested. 

I bumped into Aubrey, who seemed skittish with worry. It transpired that he had missed his appointment at the orthodentist. 

When quizzed as to why, he became very defensive, and insisted that 'Ouseph wouldn't be so forward in his inquisition'.

This annoyed me.

"Take my advice... I don't use it anyway", I said, pointing at his face.

"A closed mouth gathers no foot", I continued, now pointing at his foot.


He nodded in a sort of revised acknowledgement, and shuffled away, humming to himself.



There were lots of cyclists on the footpaths. 

I encountered one poor soul who was an advert for the existence of mudguards, such was the filthy spray and mess on his pantaloons and lower back.

Yawning and stretching blindly, I knocked one poor pedaller off his saddle, and stood aghast as he pirouetted ungainly into the Thames. 


You would have been proud. 


Are you still rehearsing for The Tempest? 

And do you mind if I eat the soda bread leftover from your last visit?



Very best,

Pitkin


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Dear Pitkin,

Many apologies for my tardy response - I've been staying with my sister in Shatterick and have been unable to respond until now. 

I'm sorry to hear about your encounter with Aubrey. He hasn't really been himself since Stephanie's operation, and now, what with all the caterwauling about benefit cheats he's more paranoiac than ever. The last time I saw him he started on some conspiracy guff about Jews and international shipping, which, as you can imagine, left me really rather upset. Still, I shouldn't pay him too much mind - according to Lorn, he hasn't been seen at the club for several weeks.

Rehearsals, this time around, have been a disaster. What do they teach nine year olds in school these days? The one saving grace has been our Caliban - of which I shall say more when I see you. As for the rest, one might as well be doing H.M.S. Pinafore... again. 

I trust this finds you well. I know how these seasonal transitions can leave you blue. Do let me know if you'd like me to stop sending the parcels.

As ever, 

Ouseph

p.s. That wasn't soda bread.


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No?

Tuesday 22 February 2011

Nothing Rhymes with Nothing: Phoenix.

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Music for your listening pleasure...




Counting all different ideas drifting away
Past and present, they don't matter, now the future's sorted out
Watch her moving in elliptical patterns
Think it's not what you say, what you say is way too complicated
For a minute thought I couldn't tell how to fall out

It's twenty seconds 'til the last call
You're going, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"
Lie down you know it's easy
Like we did it over summer long
And I'll be anything you ask and more
You're going, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"
It's not a miracle we needed
No, I wouldn't let you think so
Falling, falling, falling, fall-ing

Girlfriend, oh your girlfriend is drifting away
Past and present, 1855-1901
Watch them build up a material tower
Think it's not going to stay anyway, think it's overrated
For a minute thought I couldn't tell how to fall out

It's twenty seconds 'til the last call
You're going, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"
Lie down you know it's easy
Like we did it over summer long
And I'll be anything you ask and more
You're going, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"
It's not a miracle we needed
No, I wouldn't let you think so
Falling, falling, falling, fall-ing





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I'll Be Your Mirror.

Monday 21 February 2011

Pavement (Part 3).

Colourville.


Le Baggage.

Edward Hall III, 24, a Columbia University researcher, was arrested in January for trespassing at JFK airport in New York City after he disobeyed United Airlines personnel and tried an alternative method to board a plane. 


He told ticket agents he badly needed to be on the flight to San Francisco even though he had forgotten to bring a photo ID. Frustrated, Hall stepped behind the counter and crawled onto the luggage conveyor, where his next stop, minutes later, was the tarmac where bags were being loaded. 


He was arrested as soon as he hit the floor. 


His behaviour divided opinion, with one police officer allegedly calling him 'a uniquely sophisticated moron', whilst another described him as an 'enigmatic entrepreneur of a lost generation'.

Toast.


Friday 18 February 2011

Pavement (Part 2).

Shoe Repair.


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over twelve years old. They both laughed for a few minutes, before realising that it wasn't actually that funny, and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?”, Arnold asked.
“No I do not”, she said, slowly shaking her head.
“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, made some toast, and attempted to drink the cold coffee that he had forgotten to drink 40 minutes earlier. He added some sugar, before remembering that he was no longer permitted sugar in his coffee. He threw the coffee away, then hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
Before entering the store he had memorised a few carefully chosen words to say to the man behind the counter, just incase he was quizzed on the elapsed time of the ticket. Then, with a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter, and instantly forgot what to say if quizzed on the elapsed time.
With a deadpan expression, the man said, “Just a minute, I’ll have to look for these.”
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, “Hey, here they are!”
“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

The man then came back to the counter, empty-handed.
“They’ll be ready on Thursday,” he said calmly.

John Charles Bryan Barnes.

One of my real heroes as a young lad...

"He's scored!... And England, amazingly, are in the lead!"



Illusion.

“Instead of saying all of your goodbyes – let them know you realize that life goes fast. It’s hard to make the good things last. You realize the sun doesn’t go down, it’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.” 
~The Flaming Lips

Thursday 17 February 2011

Nothing Rhymes with Nothing: Deerhunter.

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Music for your listening pleasure...





when you were young
and your excitement showed
but as time goes by
does it outgrow

is that the way things go
forever reaching for the goal
forever fading black
comes a glow

walking free woah-oh
come with me woah-oh
far away woah-oh
every day woah-oh

when you were young
you never knew which way to go
what was once gray
no undertones

well every day do what you can
if you let them turn you round
whatever goes up
must come down

walking free woah-oh
come with me woah-oh
far away woah-oh
every day woah-oh







Live version? This way please...


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Clip du Jour.

Because.

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, “Because.”

Wednesday 16 February 2011

Pavement.

D-D-D-D-Da-vid.

David Robert Jones (Bowie), b.1947

Pangolin.

A pangolin hanging from a tree
While the pangolin looks like a xenarthran - the cohort of animals that include anteaters, sloths, armadillos, and everyone’s favorite semi-obscure extinct mammal, the glyptodon - sharing the long tongue of the anteater and having armor like an armadillo or glyptodon, it’s closest living relatives are actually the carnivorans (dogs, cats, bears, pinnipeds (seals, sea lions, walruses), etc). 
This seems especially strange because pangolins lack teeth.


Pangolins are nocturnal animals, and use their well-developed sense of smell to find insects. Pangolins spend most of the daytime sleeping. The behaviour of the pangolin is just as great as their appearance. They use their claws to dig for insects, burrow, and to climb. Some species can hang from tree branches with their tail (please see featured picture). When threatened, or sleeping, they roll into balls. 


They are in my list of top 10 favourite animals of all time.

Tuesday 15 February 2011

Nothing Rhymes with Nothing: Local Natives.

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Music for your listening pleasure...





The desk where you sit inside of a frame,
Made of wood.
I keep those chopsticks you had from when you,
Taught abroad in Japan.

I love it all, so much I call,
"I want you back."

I did not know you as well as my Father,
Knew you.
Every question, you took the time to sit and,
Look it up, in the Encyclopaedia.

I love it all, so much I call,
"I want you back."

It sounds like we would have had a great deal,
To say, to each other.
I bet when I leave my body for the sky,
The wait will be worth it.

I love it all, so much I call,
"I want you back."






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Groundhog Day {1993}.




How many days does Bill Murray's character spend trapped in a time loop in 'Groundhog Day'?

The film never gives us a final tally. 


Director Harold Ramis once stated that it must have been around 10 years, but he later amended that by saying 10 years was far too short. So what's the real answer? 

Enter film writer Simon Gallagher's thorough examination of all of the evidence presented in Ramis' film: 
How long it would take to learn to throw playing cards...
How long it would take to become a master ice sculptor/jazz pianist...
How long it would take to watch a movie 100 times, and so on, and so on...

And after all that, what's the final count? 




A whopping 12,403 repeated days.


Just shy of some 34 years stuck in timeless, existential limbo.



So, if you want to... click here to see just how much energy Gallagher put into discerning that number.

The Great Stone Face.

Joseph Francis 'Buster' Keaton (1895 - 1966)

Hunter S. Thompson.

“Like most others, I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top. At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles – a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other – that kept me going.” 


~ Hunter S. Thompson, The Rum Diary

Monday 14 February 2011

Nothing Rhymes with Nothing: Rufus Wainwright.

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Music for your listening pleasure...

A Valentine's Day special.





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Bertrand Arthur William Russell.




Friday 11 February 2011

Top 20...Things (Not) To Say While Being Searched At An Airport.

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20. "Hey, that tickles!"

19. "When you're done I'm gonna slap you silly."

18. "All of my problems are caused by invisible people. All I have to do is find them, and kill them."

17. "We're not the droids you're looking for."

16. "Cold, Colder, Cold... Warmer, Warm..."

15. "I did say 'no' to drugs, but they wouldn't listen."

14. "Ok, now my turn. Buckle up, baby."

13. "There's a prize for the first of you automatons to find it..."

12. "Hey! What are you, blindfolded?"

11. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

10. "Woah there, usually we'd have dinner first, no?"

9. "Why, yes, occasionally I am referred to as 'The Human Tripod'."

8. "This is both refreshing and inspiring - are you here next week?"

7. "The secret of your job is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

6. "Warm your hands first in future, c'mon!"


5. "Obviously you do not do pottery."



4. "Pull my finger."




3. "Could you also check the water and air pressure, please?"





2. "If you're gonna find anything, I'm probably gonna need a private booth."






1. "I've got some baggage in my pants that's been left unattended."




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Thursday 10 February 2011

Wednesday 9 February 2011

Les Règles De La Pétanque.

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British Amateur Freestyle Boules Association (BAFBA)
Rules, Regulations, Terminology & Criterrium (UK Edition, circa. Jan 2011)



"BOULE" 
Metallic sphere thrown by protagonists of the game. Hence the game, 'Boules'.
- Also known as a "Cannonboule", a "Weightsheaf", a "Put-Put", a "Schwere Kugel", or a "Nebula" (pl. 'Nebulae').

"JACK"
The Jack, also known as a "Ballcock", is the small ball, often made of rubber or wood, used to establish a focal point for the throwing of the boules. 
- Thrown by players at will, with no limit or regulation on length or direction. 

"BASTARD" 
An entire game of (first-to-21) boules.  
- A maximum of 4 boules (and a minimum of 2) to be used per player during the Bastard. 
- NB. The 3 boules Bastard, popularised in Scandinavia, is now illegal in the UK.

"PUNNETT" 
A single 'leg' played during a Bastard. 
- Each throw of the Jack signals the start of a new Punnett. 
- Closest boule to the Jack wins the Punnett. 
- If 1 boule is closest, the player scores 1 point and they become the Jerk (see below) for the next Punnett. 
- If they win by 2 boules they score 2 points, and so on. 
- Biggest margin of victory possible is by 4 boules (see 'Fourzer', below).
- Punnetts continue until a player achieves an overall score of 21. 
- As a player must win by 2 clear points, Punnetts within a Bastard can, theoretically, be endless - although there is technically a minimum of 6 Punnetts per Bastard (producing a winning score of 21-0).

"JERK"
The player currently in possession of the Jack (either the winner of the previous Punnett, or the first to Jack off in a Bastard).

"JACK OFF"
To throw the Jack at the start of a Punnett.

"INTROVERTED JACK OFF"
When the Jerk throws the ball behind his own and the opposing player(s) back in order to deliberately cause confusion or disorientation. Whilst still legal, the Introverted Jack Off is now widely considered a controversial and most unwelcome intervention. 
- Also known as a "Stephen Milligan", a "Milligan".

"JACK IN"
To hit the Jack with a boule during a Punnett.

"ONEZER"
Pronounced 'Wun - Zerr', this a victory in a Punnett by 1 boule. 
- Largely unremarkable, it is the narrowest winning margin in a Punnett.

"TWOZER"
Pronounced 'Too - Zerr', this is a victory in a Punnett by 2 boules.
- It is considered a pleasing result.

"THREEZER"
Pronounced 'Three - Zerr', this is a victory in a Punnett by 3 boules.
- It is considered a very pleasing result.

"FOURZER"
Pronounced 'Forr - Zerr', this is a victory in a Punnett by 4 boules. 
- Extremely rare, this is the best possible outcome for any player in a Punnett. 
- The opposing player, however irked by the humiliation, is legally obliged to applaud the opposition player if they lose by a 'Fourzer'.

"CAMEO" 
3 consecutive Punnett wins by a singular boule (a triple Onezer).

"GATSBY"
3 consecutive Punnett wins by a 2 boule margin (a triple Twozer).

"PIGEON"
3 consecutive Punnett wins by a 3 boule margin (a triple Threezer).

"ROYAL PIGEON" 
3 consecutive Punnett wins by a 4 boule margin (a triple Fourzer).
- Also known as 'The Holy Grail of Boules'.

"JAFFA"
A particularly wise, skillful or pleasing throw.

"COBBLER"
A particularly poor or ill-judged throw, that is subsequently derided by your opponent. 
- Also known as a "Dripper", or a "Corn-hound".

"LEAMINGTON HANDY"
When a player throws or lobs the boule high enough to ensure that the boule remains wholly stationary upon impact with the playing surface. Usually incorporated whilst performing on sandy or excessively muddy terrain, though occasionally also attempted on more traditional surfaces.

"BORDEAUX"
To apply enough back-spin to the airborne boule so that it double-backs towards the jack upon impact with the playing surface.

"HASSELBACH"
To apply enough side-spin to the airborne boule so that it swings noticeably to the left or the right upon impact with the playing surface. - Also known as a "Dingle", a "Raven", or a "Continental Cleft".

"WINKLE"
To intentionally strike an opposing player's boule during a Punnett.

"ROYAL WINKLE"
To strike an opposing player's boule and then the Jack in one motion (a 'Winkle' followed by a 'Jack in').
- Extremely tricky, but impressive move - often used to dislodge an opponents boule that is already 'Jacked in' (touching the Jack). 

"MANSON"
An unidentified obstacle between the players and the Jack during a Punnett.

"ROYAL MANSON"
When the unidentified obstacle between the players and the Jack during a Punnett turns out to be a remote stool.