Wine.

Note To Self:
Never take advice on the quality of a bottle of red wine from a man with tattooed forearms.

Honesty.

Note To Self:

When people start (or end) a sentence with the words "...if I'm being honest", then they're usually not being honest.

Doctor.

Note To Self:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Contacts.

Note To Self:
Apply Deep Heat cream AFTER putting in contact lenses.

Laughter.

Note To Self:
He who laughs last laughs slowest.

Plugs.

Note To Self:
Don't tread on plugs, especially when barefoot.

Sober.

Note To Self:
If they say they're sober, they're probably wasted.
If they say they're wasted, they're probably sober.

Defence.

Note To Self:
Defending the indefensible is itself indefensible.

Alarm.

Note To Self:
Never set your alarm clock in the dark.

Sentence.

Note To Self:
Never trust anyone who begins a sentence - "You didn't hear this from me, but..."