Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Godfrey Monks.

Monks, 76 years old, from Northamptonshire, currently works at 'Owlcatraz' Owl Sanctuary, handling the innovative bird site's prized owl, 'Owl Capone'.

He spends his weekends "selling all kinds of random music on Ebay".

His extensive music knowledge, cultivated as a result of 45 years continual theft from an EMI warehouse in Northamptonshire, has made Monks an essential part of the 'AZ of Good' team - and I would personally like to welcome him on board.

According to 'Owlcatraz' press secretary, Dave D. D'ozibeeki-Mikntitcsh, Monks likes antique tables, knows his times tables and eats vegetables.

He spent 4 years as a lawyer, working '23 hours a day and 6 days a week'.

Some say that he got so wrapped up with his work that it influenced the names of his 3 children "Sue", "Clark" and "Inadmissible Evidence Jr".

However, having become disillusioned with working amongst complete bastards 23/6, and frustrated by the regular judicial fines and suspensions he received for wearing dungarees in the courtroom, Godfrey's career took an unlikely twist in 1973 when he sensationally joined Calvin Klein and started modelling underwear.

Although Monks still displays humour about the termination of his contract after 4 days, admitting it was "the briefest of brief jobs", rumours are abound that his insistence on wearing his infamous dungarees for the photo shoots did him no favours.

Monks has 'enjoyed' a very tempestuous 14-year public relationship with his 2nd wife, former Conservative Member of Parliament, Virginia Bottomley, saying of her: "My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her... or something like that".

Currently estranged, Bottomley is rumoured to be having an affair with fellow member of Parliament, George Clinton.

Monks gained further notoriety when he took printing company "Kall Kwik" to court in February last year, because he 'hated the spelling of the name so much it made him nauseous'.

Monks stood up in a packed courtroom and declared:
"By keeping me waiting all day, and then eventually telephoning me much later than you said you would, you're really only taking the piss out of yourselves. Plus I find the spelling of your company's name utterly and wholly intolerable".

The case continues...

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