Thursday, 13 January 2011

The Case Of The Missing Brain.


Dear *****,

Very nice to hear from you.

Life has been as tender and kind to me recently as a forceful wind is to a cheap umbrella, so your silly ramblings were gratefully received.

Letters are obviously a thing of the past, but I rarely receive any emails that suggest anything other than the person sending it is in an extreme rush. Then again, I suppose most people are busier than me. I should understand by now that emails are produced on a strict timescale, and are therefore more functional than emotional.

Plus, others talk on the phone more than I do. I hardly talk at all.

It's actually me with the unbalanced system, isn't it? I need to pull my socks up.

If only I could find my socks...

My New Year's resolutions (to be nicer to people, to be less judgmental, and to try and see things from their point of view) aren't turning out so good. I can't help it. I'm impulsive and impatient, and lots of other words that start with "im". Maybe I should manufacture some 'do-able' resolutions next year? Like 'I'm going to drink more coffee', or 'I'm going to take less exercise'.

Plus, they start with 'im' too.

Before I forget, I liked your joke about "not trusting Dannii Minogue, because her 'ii's' were too close together" - really good.

I came up with a joke this morning when I woke up.

What do you call a big cat that likes to dance on the ceiling?

- "Lion-el".

That is truly original. As you can tell because it's not very funny.

My god, I'm so self-absorbed that I completely forgot about your birthday! Feel free to trip me up next time we meet. It is clear that I may have lost my brain, although I'm not sure how the title of this email knew that before I did. I trust, however, that you were fed handsomely and enjoyed a few light ales. And that no one too awful decided to turn up and spoil everything.

Talking of awful people - how's *****?

Still being annoying?

If I were you, then I'd tell them to...   no, wait...   I would "listen to their opinion, be compassionate, and try and understand that there are two sides to every story." 

There, see - a new me. I can do it.

What a goofball though, seriously - Hove is nowhere near Torquay.

Nor does it sound similar. What were they thinking?

Still, I'm sure you've forgiven and forgotten.

Besides, your brother will probably marry again, anyway.

Listen, I'd better vamoosh, I've got to go and do some stuff (find some socks, make some coffee).

Ta-ta for now, and do give me your new address if you genuinely want me to send back your garden shears.

(Only joking, they're staying in the shed for now, I like them too much and have written my initials on them with a permanent marker - besides, I wouldn't want to be responsible for potentially injuring a member of our postal services).

*sticks thumb in ear whilst waving hand and blowing raspberry*

Very Best,


PS. Happy Birthday!


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