Tip Top.

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A selection of the rather wonderful Viz 'Top Tips'...

• CLEAR your garage of rubbish and old furniture, and you'll have an ideal place to shelter your car from the snow.
• SAVE money on expensive Sat-Navs by simply arriving a bit later and apologising.
• INSOMNIA SUFFERERS - look on the bright side, only 3 more sleeps until Christmas.
• FACEBOOK USERS - ensure your 'friends' are aware that you're being 'funny' with the addition of ten exclamation marks.
• AVOID the embarrassment of falling over in the snow by crawling through it on your hands and knees.
• PREVENT your biscuit breaking and falling into your tea by wrapping it tightly in cling film before dunking.
• ITV - increase viewing figures by making a celebrity version of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'.
• WANT to look as though you're buying a Womble costume in instalments? Simply get some Ugg boots.
• ATHLETES - distance yourself from chavs by never removing your competition numbers.
• MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD at football matches by shouting all your abuse during half time.
• SINGLE PEOPLE - experience marriage by sleeping on the edge of your bed with a blanket covering only one side of your body.
• SAVE on expensive patio heaters and lights by simply staying indoors when it is cold and dark.
• ORDINARY PEOPLE - make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter a room.
• SAVE money on helium for party balloons by blowing them up with regular air and holding the party underwater instead.
• AVOID the hassle of making toast in the morning by leaving bread on the radiator overnight. Simply get up at 4am to 'turn'.
• A GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL makes an ideal trouser press for corduroy trousers.
• COMMUTERS - stop strangers from sitting next to you on the bus by smiling at them and patting the empty seat.
• PRACTICE how to fake 'looking pleased' when opening your Xmas presents - buy a sandwich from Subway.

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