The (Second) Alan Interview.

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Rich Pelley from The Guardian meets Alan...

RP>>: Alan, a pleasure.

AP: Agreed.

>>So, erm, how are things?

Hovering between "good" and "ruddy good". The success of this interview will determine where they get moored for the rest of the day.

>>You're back on the air! Great news! Some might say you have the perfect face for radio. But surely it's your nasal Norfolkonian drawl that makes you ideal?

The timbre of the voice is hugely important. It needs depth, warmth and bass. Radio is a medium for men and, at a push, deep-voiced women like Anna Ford. Gravelliness helps. Early on, I experimented with smoking; someone told me it added a throaty note. Sadly, the mucus build up required a spittoon. Tricky when you're interviewing major sports stars. In a single interview with Lester Piggott I swallowed more than a pound of my own phlegm. I was too full to enjoy my lunch.

>>You pitched 'Cooking In Prison', 'Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank' and 'Monkey Tennis' to the BBC. Yet 'Dog Borstal' and 'Sex … With Mum And Dad' aired on BBC3. Are you bitter?

Listen, TV is trivial jibber jabber. My disc jockeying isn't some vanity project to get muggins here back on the idiot box. Do I miss my own parking space at Television Centre? Not really. Do I remember when my face on the cover of the Radio Times led to a 2% leap in circulation? Nope. Did I enjoy the makeup girls referring to me as "Mr Partridge" but calling Nicholas Witchell "Nick"? Perhaps a little.

>>You famously enjoyed the Toblerone diet. Why not go on Freaky Eaters?

I was very briefly very obese thanks to a certain pentahedral nougat, almond and honey-based chocolate bar. Mercifully, the elasticity of my skin was such that I was able to return to a manageable size with minimal skin-hang. Actually, I've got it written down as the possible title of a gameshow – Alan's Skin Hang. Sorry, I'm going wildly off topic. I wish I'd gone off Topics then.

>>Hard to imagine you all fat and sweaty.

Partridge doesn't sweat. I'm like Huw Edwards. I nearly said Bill Turnbull but I saw him trying to connect a caravan to a tow bar and he was slippery with perspiration. Which wasn't helping.

>>Are any of '@alanpartridge', '@alan_partridge', '@alan_partridge1' or '@partridge_alan' actually you?

[Confused] Am I on Twitter? I broadcast my show over Twitter.

>>Er, how does that work?

I employ an agency secretary to transcribe the four-hour show, divide it into 140-character chunks and post it line-by-line. Some refuse to type out the song lyrics. Others don't mind. Depends which one you get.

>>Thanks, Alan. If not the next Alan Partridge, I'd perhaps like to be the next Charlie Brooker. Got any advice?

Yes. Avoid wearing a head mic on one side of your head and a Bluetooth mobile phone headset on the other. I learned that the hard way when my ex-wife called during a North Norfolk Digital fun day. The call – in this case some pretty dark swearing – vibrates through your head and can be picked up on mic. I no longer present North Norfolk Digital fun days. Sorry, I've sidetracked there. Are we done?

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